“Why Do Gay Porn Stars Kill Themselves?” by Conner Habib

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by Conner Habib

Why do porn actors kill themselves?  Who is responsible?

Whenever a porn star – especially a gay porn star – commits suicide, theories show up, and people act very, very certain about them.  Arpad Miklos, who was as much as a porn “star” as anyone can be in a time when we are hyper-saturated with porn, killed himself on February 3rd, 2013, at the age of 45.  As usual, many people felt sure they knew why he committed suicide, without much evidence.  It was drugs, it was studios not treating him well, it was the feeling of dehumanization, it was the vague but all encompassing “porn industry” that did it, it was the feeling of being hollow, it was it was his loss of validation after being a star for so long.

I can’t claim any special knowledge about his death, I didn’t know him very well.  We met in passing on a set; he’d just finished a scene, and I was about to start mine.  He was huge and handsome; I’m not saying anything new.  If you met him, you were impressed by his smile and his body and his presence.  Looking at him almost made you feel a sense of unbalance in the world, like his handsomeness and flawless physique were proof of some deep inequality between people.  But then you’d forget that feeling and be drawn back into the intense attraction.

He gave me a kiss and his phone number and asked me if I’d like to spend time with him later that night.  My scene ran over schedule, and I was exhausted, so I told him I couldn’t meet.  We communicated a few more times over the years by text and phone, and that was that.  I mention all of this to say:  I don’t know his motivations or who he “really” was.  We kept passing through each other’s lives without ever truly meeting.

 

Read full essay on Conner’s website HERE

 

More about Conner Habib from his blog:

comingthroughMy twitter is @ConnerHabib .  My (NSFW) adult site, which is in need of an update, but has a list of the movies I’ve been in, photos, and more is connerhabib.com, and my (NSFW) Tumblr is ConnerLovesEveryone.  If you just want to talk, email me at connerhabibsocial at gmail.com .  I answer every email and love hearing from anyone who’s interested in what I’m up to.  Thanks and big love.

(Some stuff I like)

anthroposophy, ass, astral body, biology, Blur, boys that read books, (The) Cardigans, cartoons, confidence, dick, Discovery, etheric body, evolution, exhibitionism, forests, (Dion) Fortune, fucking, Fun., Gabriel, Godzilla movies, Goetheanum, (Francoise) Hardy, (Blake) Harper, hating governments, (Patricia) Highsmith, I body, Is it true?, Isis, (Sarah) Jaffe, Jem and the Holograms, Justice League, karma, kissing, (The) Knife, London, loud music, love, (David) Lynch, (Lynn) Margulis, Michael, mineral body, naps, Night Marchers, nuts, occultism, oceans, outside, Panic! at the Disco, (Harold) Pinter, pornography, public sex, qualitative science, questioning everything, quorum sensing, Raphael, reading, Retox, Rosemary’s Baby, San Francisco, Sleigh Bells, (Susan) Sontag,  (Rudolf) Steiner, (Valentin) Tomberg, truth, turn it around, understanding, unity, Uriel, voyeurism, (James) Welch, (Joy) Williams, working out, (The) XX , XXX,  y’all, Yank Crime, you and me, (Slavoj) Zizek, zizzer zazzer zuzz, (The) Zombies

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