by Conner Habib
Guys I Wanted To Fuck in High School is a series of short essays about growing up frustrated in small-town Pennsylvania.
The only thing the boy thinks about as much as sex is escape.
The boy is me and is fifteen, sixteen, seventeen and he feels consumed by a sort of cloud. Whenever something is not about sex or escape, it evades his thinking. Often, at school, his teachers will give him assignments and he won’t hear it. He’ll show up clueless the next day and the teachers will disapprove – Why didn’t you do the work? Now you have a zero for the day.
The boy is on this threshold of becoming something other than a boy, but he advances at a confused pace.
His room has bunk beds in it, and should have a regular bed. There’s a stuffed animal on the top bunk, an artifact from a different life. He sleeps on the bottom because he feels encased and sheltered there, as if in the bottom of a boat. It’s dark and shielding and he starts to sleep naked.
The door is always closed, sometimes because he’s masturbating, but often only because he’s forgotten and he’s lying on his stomach on the floor, drawing pictures of comic book characters.
He stares out the window of his bedroom and masturbates, thinking of an older boy, Lee, down the street, who should show up and rub his dick all over the boy’s face – If the boy just concentrates hard enough, Lee will show up. He believes this with all his might: Just concentrate and things will happen.
This isn’t just about desire. At the end of every day of school – after the bullies, the boring classes, the terrible food, the dull conversations, the racists, the dead florescent lights, the cruel teachers – the boy has to concentrate on sex and on escape; they’re the only things that save him.
Life is made up of sheer will. If he wavers from this way of living he will tip off the edge and die.
When the boy thinks about escape, it’s not escape from his little town. He’s too tired to dream of anything that real. All he can do is think of something bigger. He concentrates on being out of his body, on being someone else who has never lived in his town or even in Pennsylvania. Like most people in the world, he will be someone for whom Pennsylvania barely exists. He stands in front of the mirror and turns the music up and sings. He’s not just watching himself sing, he’s pretending he’s in the mirror, facing himself. His room is the audience and the boy he’s staring out at – him – is someone alien. A spectator looking on. He asks his mom to buy him a microphone and an amplifier. Instead of starting a band, which he tries once and fails, he uses the microphone as a prop to complete being someone else.
Like a magical tool, that microphone. A wand. Hold it, stare into the mirror, andconcentrate.
It’s true, this trick about concentrating, though not as he imagined. Instead of one neighbor, the boy begins to have sex with another.
Next door there’s a duplex that looks run-down compared to the boy’s house. The neighbors aren’t poor, but they don’t take care of their lawn. Their porch is drab and the colors are depressed. The boy’s mom has remarried and though he himself once used to live in a tiny duplex, now he has a backyard with flowers and a little pond and a green stretch of grass big enough for a badminton net in the summer. The neighbors have half a yard, separated from the boy’s by a forbidding hedge.
At night, the sounds of the neighbors fighting and yelling ricochet in the small strip of space between the houses. The father is a drunk, the mother is mild, and the two sons are effeminate. The younger son, Jeffrey, is the same age as the boy. Jeffrey is overweight and has a funny walk. He spends most of his time playing RPG-style Nintendo and reading comic books. In school, he’s made fun of or ignored. At home, he’s trapped. Every day, Jeffrey and the boy have sex.
It starts with them daring each other to take their clothes off, just for a second. Jeffrey’s dick is fat and short and the boy feels overwhelmed just looking at it.
They try everything.
Almost everything: They never, ever kiss, but each day there is a knock on the boy’s door and each day they get closer until they’re inside each other.
The boy’s sister has left for college, and his parents don’t get home until an hour after he does. There is a knock at the door, a secret which no one else hears, and the boy goes to it reluctantly. He knows what will happen and he can’t stop it and doesn’t understand why.
The first time Jeffrey touches the boy, reaching down to his testicles, it’s so intense that the boy jumps. Are you all right Jeffrey asks.
The first time Jeffrey fucks the boy, he eases in slowly. It’s painful, but they’ve worked their way up to it, little by little, pushing fingers into each other. The boy has fucked Jeffrey many times by now, sliding into his large round ass and pulling out only to cum or when he discovers his penis smeared in shit because they haven’t learned to clean out. They don’t know anything except what they’re feeling. There’s no example to guide them, and no one to tell them how this is done.
Yet somehow they still unveil everything.
Continue reading Conner’s essay HERE
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